Thursday, May 14, 2009

What if we get cancelled too?

During this process I found a “cycle buddy”. For the purposes of this blog and securing my pal’s anonymity, I will call her Nancy. Her support has been helpful and welcomed. I often find myself excited to read Nancy’s emails finding comfort and humor in her stories. However, Tuesday’s email sent a chill up my spine and forced my eyes to well with tears. I couldn’t believe it. After receiving her second follicle report, Nancy’s cycle had been CANCELLED. After months of donor testing, Lupron shots, and Estrace pills, and the mental highs and lows, she had to stop and start all over again. Nancy’s donor wasn’t producing enough follicles to continue the cycle. The ED was not responding to the Stim meds. For Nancy, anger, disappointment, and depression were the feelings associated with having a cancelled cycle. But, after a weekend of emotional lows, she picked herself up and found some comfort in shopping. (Not that a pair of Manolo’s can heal this heartbreak but it’s a very good band aide ;)

What’s next for Nancy? There’s no explanation why ED didn't have a higher follicle count. The blood work indicated that ED took her meds. Sometimes this happens with first time donors. Nancy and DH asked that the donor try one more time with the hopes that she would have a better response the second try but she hasn't made her decision. If not, they will be re-matched with another donor and start the protocol over again. This process is daunting and it simply hurts sometimes. Cancelled cycles happen all the time and can occur for a number of reasons. It does happen.

Nancy’s experience forced me to be honest with my own feelings. I’ve been very cool and calm so far. Sort of like going with the flow and convincing myself that if this doesn’t happen I’ll be ok with it and just try again. NOT!!! Who am I kidding! The moment I read Nancy’s update I was sad for her. Simply, devastated that she had felt let down. Then, went into a state of panic regarding my own cycle. I was about to receive my ED’s first follicle report. What if we get cancelled too?

Our ED started stimulating meds on Saturday, May 9th. After stimulating for 5 days, we received the first follicle report. ED has 10 follicles that are all still very small. Keep in mind I have no idea if that is good or bad. The RE says it is too early to tell. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. Now, we wait for the next follicle report which will be this Saturday, May 16th.

The reality is, I’m in a state of shock that we even made it this far. I made a promise to myself when I started this that I would be optimistic…cautiously. However, in the back of my mind there's that little voice; belonging to “Lil Ms. C” (little Miss Cancer), always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve been doing my best to muffle her. (“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!.......not this time”).

I’ve championed many battles. I’ll win this one too. Believe IT!


  1. Hey, sorry about your friend, and your own fears about this cycle. I would urge your friend NOT to use this donor again, if she doesn't stim with the drugs trying again won't help. It would be different if it were her own eggs, but DE you want someone who stims easily. If I sound preachy it is only becuase my first cycle probably SHOULD have been cancelled - we got 7 eggs but they were not good - only one made it to transfer and then I ended up having a chemical pregnancy (if you think getting a BFN is bad try prolonging it for a couple extra weeks!) It really sucks to have a cancelled cycle, but I think it has to be better than going through with a doomed cycle. I personally would never go with an unproven donor again (I know they all start out unproven)

    Having said that, your numbers sound great! My clinic doesn't release info on the donor except in very general term until ER, but 10 this early is good. Try to keep in mind that she is young and healthy, and has been through lots of testing. AND your ED seems to be responding to the drugs very well.

    Good luck - and please don't feel like I'm telling your friend what to do, this is a pain I'd love to help her avoid!

  2. So sorry for your friend. I so hope everything works out for you! Have you gotten another update on the donor yet? Crossing everything for you!!